25 years ago...

Today, I was reminded it was 25 years ago today, as we drove by the cemetery on the way to IHOP for breakfast. We were in Houston.

My mom had been hospitalized for about a month. She went into the hospital the day after I graduated from high school. When my mom was a kid she had rheumatic fever. It had damaged her heart.

Back in January of '83, my mom had gone to the dentist to have some dental work done. I'm not sure if she didn't tell the dentist she had heart problems or not. My mom got the flu soon after that and never got better. Her fingernails started getting really thick and curling over. (the doctor called it clubbing) She went to the doctor around April. I was with her, I had an ear infection. When the doctor examined my mom I could see something was wrong, from the doctor's face. He gave my mom medicine. It just got worse. The doctor admitted her into the hospital. They treated her for a month. She came home on the 29th of June. My sister had gone to get her. I was at work. My dad didn't even know my mom had been released. After my sister got home she went to work.

My brother #1 made my mom a grilled cheese sandwich with sliced pickles. Around 4 o'clock my brother #2 called me into my mom's room, telling me there's something wrong with mom. I went in. My mom was mumbling something about needing to go to the bathroom. I went over to help her. My dad is entering the house around this time. I tell my mom I'm there to help her get up. She then was saying, no, no...At the time I didn't know what was going on...my mom started going into convulsions. I heard my dad and told him something's wrong with mom...he's confused, not knowing my mom had been released from the hospital. Someone went and got the neighbor. The ambulance was on it's way. I went to go get my sister from work. We were to meet my dad at the house and then go to the hospital.

We all get to the hospital. We ask how my mom was doing. They reassured us she was fine. We wait. We wait some more. A doctor calls us to an office. He introduces himself shakes my dad's hand and says, "I'm sorry, but your wife is dead" SHOCK, DISBELIEF...what happened? why? CONFUSION...

Later we found out that my mom had gotten an infection from the dental work. This caused pericarditis (an infection of the lining of the heart). My mom died because she was weak and had aspirated (choked internally)

We also found out that the ambulance that was carrying my mom to the hospital broke down and they had to wait for another one to arrive.

Would all that make any difference? I have no idea.

I miss my mom...I miss her. I think I miss her more and more every year. It seems to get more difficult instead of easier.

I wonder things like would she like the choices I made in my life. Would she like my husband? Would she enjoy being a grandmother? What kind of relationship would we have? would we be more like mother/daughter or friends? What would we spend our time together doing?

Did my mom know the LORD? I really don't know. I don't know if I'll see her again someday and that really hurts. Maybe that's why it gets tougher and tougher each year.

I miss you and love you, Mom.